heart ache.

Heart ache; there are two kinds: the kind that sparks passion in you and the kind that puts out your passion.  I’ve got both.

My heart aches to be whole again, to sum it up quite clearly.  I’ve had this ache inside of me for months, lingering and building to what it is now.  I’ve experienced my fair share of “heart break”, but this isn’t what I’m referring to.  I’m talking about the sort of heart ache that leaves you gasping for air and drowning in loneliness.  My choice of “relationships” has left me with scars that cause me to question my own worth and value.  I question whether or not I am really worth a fight, whether I am ever going to be good enough or if I am really that “great catch” that people try to convince me I am.  How could I not feel this ache inside when time after time I have only been proven that the only thing I’m good for is a quick drop to the side. And in that case… I wonder if I’m too nice, or if I just plain easy to walk all over.  I’m drowning in these kinds of thoughts, longing to know why this keeps happening to me and why I even bother to keep hope in finding a worthwhile relationship.  Am I worth it…am I valuable…Will I ever mean anything to anyone, ever…

..but then it hits me…another ache…but this time its different.

God.  He’s all I need, all I want.  Its not that I had forgotten Him standing there right beside me all these months, but I kept hoping that my happiness and my aching heart would be cured by another relationship.  A new relationship to cure the heartbreak from an old relationship..makes sense, right? (um..no, in the end more heart ache is bound to occur) I put God off to the side not truly believing that my entire happiness could be filled by just Him or that He could take away these new fears and questions that I was facing.  But somehow now my heart is aching to know Him completely and experience Him as I never have before.  I realized that He is the only one that will never “drop me to the side” or leave me with scars to be healed.  In fact, He is the only one that can fix my scars, save me from my drowning and allow me to breathe again.  As I take him in I begin to feel whole again and something greater than anything I’ve ever experienced.  Not only an ache for God, but for his children; to show them His Love.  This ache has sparked my passion.  As my “bad” heart ache is being filled by God, He is allowing me to experience a new ache..the ache that He feels for his people.   God longs for us to love others the way that he loves us; unconditionally and unselfishly.  I can feel with every bone in my body and every inch of my being this DESIRE to be his HANDS, his FEET, his LOVE.  I am overwhelmed by how much this passion has taken hold of me and how easily it has taken root in my heart.  I live now for God. I live to fill the passion that’s growing inside of me and to act upon this ache that consumes me.  While the ache is still there, the reason is changed, transformed and renewed.  Through Christ I have found my purpose and my drive; my ultimate heart’s fulfillment.

So these aches and pains of mine have been transformed.  It’s funny, even if my scars still exist years from now, I can still rest assured knowing that God is at work in me, giving me new and more uplifting aches to live for.  He can change the aches in your heart…His HEART will change your heart and His LOVE will change your love…if you only let him prove it to you.

we’re all going to go through aches in life. what are you aching for?

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3 thoughts on “heart ache.

  1. L–this is a good place to be, believe it or not. God can and will heal you, and somewhere in the midst of that you’ll wake up one day and realize just how worth it you are, and always have been. Trust me on this one.

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