temporary.

As of Monday I am temporarily working at my old Administrative position. {yes…the one that I was depressed in…notice how I said temporarily}  To make a long story short, the woman who took my place when I left has taken another job.  With the Christmas Party coming up quickly they needed me to step in {temporarily} to plan the event. {not a bad gigI love planning parties…if I wasn’t pursuing ministry I would definitely be a wedding planner!!}

Now, I first reacted to this job offer with a dramatic “heck no!!“.  I almost laughed at the thought of going back to that job.  It wasn’t the job itself that I minded or didn’t care for; it was the unsettling connection that the job had with that period of my life. {I think we all have those connections with places and emotions, so I think you know what I am talking about here}  It was a place filled with bad memories, negative emotions and a deep depression {and a couple laughs sprinkled here and there too}.  I had this paralyzing fear that if I went back I would be taken right back to where I was {mentally, emotionally, physically…} and that I would once again drown in depression.

With that in mind, I still wanted to be open to this opportunity {because let’s face it…the waitressing gig is slowing down now that the cold weather is hitting} and I wanted to be open to what God wanted, not just what I wanted {or didn’t want}.  Even in my tremendous fear, I knew that God was bigger than my insecurity and  I had faith that if he truly wanted me there, he would show up on my behalf.  So I prayed about it…and thought about it…and talked about it.  And when it came down to it, I knew I had to go back. {sigh.}

After I made that decision you’d think that I would be a nervous wreck…pacing around like a loony…not sleeping…having anxious thoughts… But I didn’t.  In fact, I had so much peace about the decision it was nuts. {I still can’t believe it myself!} I began to see that this was an opportunity for healing.  It was an opportunity to face my demons and conquer a fear that had rooted itself within me.  I knew that God wanted me to go back, not to torture me or transport me back into a dark and gloomy place, but to set me free.  God desired me to be healed from this period of my life and to shed the fears of depression.

So I had my “re-first” day on Monday.  I thought that walking back into those doors would send me in tears to the bathroom or sitting at my old desk would undo all of the positive progress that I have made.  But instead…

…when I walked in those doors, I felt…nothing. I didn’t have any crazy emotional flashbacks or intense feelings of sudden depression, I just felt like… me. {Healthy, secure, joyful, peace filled..me. What a relief!}  As I then carried out my day, employees that knew me would of course greet me with “welcome back!”.  And every time I would reply, “it’s just temporary!!” {I felt like that point should be reiterated…over and over.} In those repeated conversations I saw clearly why God wanted to bring me back.

I was back to realize that this job was temporary. 

It was always meant to be temporary.

I had thought about that concept before, but at the time I couldn’t fathom having hope that there would ever be a new season of life. {when you are in the midst of a trying season it feels like it’s never going to end.  you know what I mean?}  I knew it was just a job, a mere means of income. But I never made the connection to truly believe that it was part of a momentary season of life.

The job was a tiny part in my story, but it wasn’t meant to be the entire plot.  When I worked this position last time I was filled with fear that it was going to consume the rest of my life, that I would be stuck in the business world forever.  I had this immense heaviness in the thought that I would never speak again, or never be a part of ministry again, or never pursue the dreams God has laid on my heart.  This perspective for the situation was so wrong and unhealthy.  It was that “this season is going to last my entire life” mentality {the all or nothing perspective} that sent me into a deeper depression than I believe I was ever supposed to experience.

Circumstances, feelings, spiritual seasons {both good and bad} are always fleeting.  We will continuously be moving on to the next stage in life {if we chose to allow ourselves to move on} and enter a new period of experiences, growth and emotion. Nothing is ever permanent, nothing is ever concrete.  Seasons of life are here for a moment, and then we move on to the next one.  The danger comes when we immerse ourselves in the lie that we will be in the same place forever.  That pitfall traps us in our present situation and will ultimately limit our future capabilities. 

I limited myself by my black and white, all or nothing, perspective.  By closing myself in this mentality, it hindered me from experiencing what I was supposed to learn in that season and it could have hindered me from moving forward with God’s next season. {I’m so thankful I finally opened my eyes to see the next step}

We experience every season in our life for a reason.  It is up to us to realize that each period of our life is a tiny part of our entire story and that God is always moving us on to new experiences.  Everything in life is temporary, whether it is our depressed state or a period of joy and ease.  God is up to something in our lives, he will always seek to push us, grow us and challenge us.  In that process of growth, we will endure many seasons that promote such change within us.

We cannot hinder ourselves by thinking that our present state will last forever, because it won’t.  We are all in the season we are in for a reason.  We have to enjoy to the fullest the place where we are at {even when it totally sucks} and have faith that it will not last forever {heck..a new season may come tomorrow!}.

Being back at work, I feel completely different about this job, because I know that this is not my permanent placement or calling, it is simply a snapshot in the grand scheme of God’s plan.  I feel secure in being in my old position, with a new perspective on life, I know that God has already set something in motion for my future.  My responsibility now is to enjoy where I’m at today and to keep my eyes open for God’s next season.

Now talk about some conquered demons!!

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One thought on “temporary.

  1. Pingback: blessing and brokenness. « Laura's Blog

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