cornered.

One. More. Class.

That is what separates me and a three week long, relaxing and rejuvenating semester break. I cannot even believe that the semester is basically over! {I have no idea where all of the time went.}  The last I remember it was August and I was just figuring out how to get to class…in the middle of rush hour…on the busiest roads in Western New York …without pulling out all of my hair or causing an accident! {I can guarantee that God specifically placed the campus in this area of Buffalo just so that I would learn that driving and patience do indeed go together}  I literally feel like I just woke up from a reading coma; I think I may have fallen asleep somewhere around Labor Day…and now all of a sudden it’s Christmas! {which isn’t so great for this lady who has left the majority of her Christmas shopping for 4 days before the big day. oh. joy. note to self: wake up from reading coma earlier next year.}

Obviously at the end of each semester of school, whether that was in High School, undergrad or now graduate school {so crazy to think that I’m in grad school…so. so. crazy} I always find myself thinking about the what I accomplished during the semester. {maybe most people don’t do this?… or do you?} It’s incredible to recall the monumental highs and also the tremendous lows; the slap happy hysterical moments in class when every single person was hyped up on too little sleep and too much caffeine {which is not too far off from undergrad} and of course, the manic panic moment at four a.m. while staring blankly at a computer screen that displays a single sentence typed for an eight page paper due the very next day. {once again…not too far off from undergrad.}

I remember starting classes months ago, still feeling the weight of more than a year of depression on me.  I distinctly recall in the first few weeks of class shedding beautiful graceful tears in my spiritual formation group. {well that is a complete lie..I attempted to be at least a “cute crier” at that time, but I failed miserably and of course my face scrunched up and the ugly cry was released in front of people who hardly knew me and I hardly knew} That outburst of tears released a crushed spirit and little hope for a bright future.  It would be in the weeks that followed that I would experience the greatest epiphany of truth that brought me out of my year long battle with grief, depression and hopelessness.  This semester I became a whole new woman. 

I have learned truth in the past few months that has opened my eyes to a whole new depth of understanding of what my faith is defined by and founded on.  I wish I could convey the passion with which I say this; the things that my heart and mind have been exposed to this semester have completely rekindled, realigned and refocused the dreams and desires that God has placed within me.

And then I remember….I could have missed out on it all.

The very week that I was going to start seminary I literally had a breakdown. {surprise surprise…but hey, there were a lot of breakdowns before I heard the truth}

All I could think about  was “why I am going to seminary?

I’m  not in ministry.

I’m not a pastor.

I’m not a theologian.

Seminary is for pastors who know everything about the Bible and lead successful ministries; and I by no means am any of those things. 

I remember sulking in my back room with my mind made up that I was not going to seminary.  The dream that I had longed to fulfill was a week away from starting…and I was choosing to let it pass me by.

Needless to say, I overcame my mini meltdown and went to class.  {hallelujah!!} And from there…my fears were long left behind.

I know that that breakdown was Satan.  I know that he knew what this semester would bring for me. {that is; hope, joy, knowledge, friends, a church….I could go on and on…} And I know that he was doing everything in his power to convince me not to take a leap of faith.      

I should have taken this meltdown as a sign that divine blessings were to come.  I should have reminded myself that Satan always works in full force right before God displays his ultimate glory. Satan is continuously on the attack, fighting endlessly to derail us right as we are about to take a tremendous risk for the Kingdom of God.

May you be encouraged if you are pursuing God’s kingdom and you suddenly experience a breakdown, crisis or an extreme meltdown in certainty.  Take that battle as confirmation that something divinely glorious is right around the corner.

May you be strengthened in the face of hardship and trials, because you then know that the next step you take will reap awe-inspiring heavenly blessing and immense movement for the kingdom.   

I am so absolutely thankful that Satan did not win that battle the week before my classes started.  I cannot image where I would be today if I had caved into his lies and deception. I hope that you can be victorious against Satan’s attempts to keep you out of God’s incredible plans for your life.  

Don’t let him win those battles; fight for the marvelous reward right around the corner. 

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One thought on “cornered.

  1. I am so please you chose to go to seminary. To me it seemed like a no brainer. Easy for me to say right? I miss our Wednesday nights :-(

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