never say never.

In honor of my first post of 2012, I thought that it would only be proper to talk about my first post from last year.

Last New Year was, to say the least, interesting.  {Well… if I’m being completely honest… it was completely awful.}  My family this time last year was in complete shreds.  {And when I say shreds…I mean precisely that; my family was. in. pieces.}  After a huge argument with my family {i’ll spare you the details}, I swore I would never speak to them again; in fact I swore I would never speak to certain individuals for the rest. of. my. life.  Last January, instead of enjoying the thrill of a new year and all of it’s new possibilities while also cherishing family celebration for another year filled with wonderful memories and blessings, I was tirelessly planning my life’s journey of family avoidance.  I laid out it all out in my mind; every family event that I wouldn’t attend, every relationship that I could avoid, the reactions I could get when I heartlessly ignored each one of their phone calls and texts; I was fully ready to cut myself off from the very people that shared my DNA.  And I did just that for a good while. {I know there have to be other people out there that have reached this point with people in their lives…when you have sworn someone off “for good” and then continue to calculate every scenario of every possible way that you can avoid them. I know I can’t be alone in this situation…or am I?}

I won’t go into the grimy details of the fight or hash out every detail of its nauseating narrative, but I will say that to describe it most generally: beyond nasty things were said, feelings were marred beyond recognition and relationships were severed at the seams.  It was a complete and utter mess. I can recall vividly last winter my broken and crushed sobs of pain, releasing not only tremendous heartbreak from unhealthy and hurtful words directed toward me but also releasing a deep fear of never speaking to my family again.

At the time I was filled with anger and rage because of the injustice that I had endured.  I was enraged that I was expected to be the doormat once again to be verbally walked over.  My post last year reflected those feelings; I was not going to be the doormat any longer. Just as Jesus spoke up for justice, so would I.  I would stand up for myself, I would stand strong against people who tried to tear me down.  I would pursue a Godly life….without those who would seek to knock my legs out from under me.

As time passed after this monstrous blow up, my proud stance began to be chipped away at, little, by little.  My head kept repeating, “Don’t go back.  Don’t talk to them.  You’ll show them.  You can live your life following Christ without them” but my heart began to whisper a different tune.  I so badly wanted to stand for justice, to be strong in the fight for peace and love, and most of all, to not continue to place myself in a situation where I was constantly allowing myself to be a doormat to be walked all over.  But how could I do that with this giant chip on my shoulder?  How could I learn to love unconditionally and live a life that was fully devoted to Jesus’ ministry of complete peace and love when I myself had a boulder on my chest that was dragging me down into a pool of negativity and hatred? {and here the rubber met the road.}

Over the next few months, that different tune resonating in my heart became more clear.  It was not avoidance nor eternal separation that would show a life that demanded justice and love; it was humility.  And this is where my heart changed.

I have seen that so often as Christians we have a hard time finding a balance of strength and humility.  We confuse humility with weakness and pride for strength.  We are called to be strong in the fight for justice and love; to be persistent in the battle against Satan to conquer evil, injustice and inequality for the growth of the kingdom of God.  And we are also called to ultimate humility.  Humility isn’t weakness, it isn’t rolling over and allowing the other person to “win”, it isn’t even being a pushover to everyone else’s agenda.  Humility is the divine place of power, because it is there where we can find sacrifice, servanthood and unconditional forgiveness and love.  It is when we humbly bow down before our enemies, with a strength from God and security in our priestly identity in Christ, that we can win the eternal battle for peace.

There is a time and place for a firm stance that stands strong for justice and righteousness, however I believe that above that is Godly power in the stance of humility.  I believe that I was right a year ago with that post {absolutely 100%…sometimes we need to  get a little backbone to stick up for what is right!} but I have learned a powerful truth that accompanies that message.  Above all, I know {as I have seen in my own life} that if we are pursuing the same goal of building a heavenly kingdom that is founded upon grace, love and peace, then shouldn’t we be doing everything in our power to contribute to those building blocks?  Shouldn’t we, as those who live to mirror the very image of an all loving God, be the ones who are humbly bowing down with the authority of Christ’s truth to make peace in a world filled with hatred, violence and injustice?

So if you can guess, I sucked up my pride, got down on my knees, and made up with my family.  And while we still have our disagreements, I can say that above all, grace has washed over those wounds that were violently given a year ago.  Even more than that, on New Year’s Eve I was celebrating life and freedom with my family who just a year before I said I would never speak to again.  I still literally break down in tears, knowing that the very person who in 2011 I declared I would never see again, I was humbly and lovingly embracing on New Year’s night of 2012.  That is the power of humility.  That is the power of God’s healing grace.

From this I can say two things; never say never. {sorry Justin Bieber, I stole your line…}  When you say never to God, he may just choose to open that door right up.  Let 2012 be a year filled with optimism to whatever God has in store for you, even if it’s a place you never wanted to go back to or a relationship you never planned to rekindle. {I’m serious when I say that I am so glad that God crushed my “never” attitude. It is so worth it.}

Also, humility is not weak; it is powerful.  As those who are daily fighting to build a kingdom of mercy and love, we should be emulating that very character through the same stance of mercy and love. It is the most difficult thing in the world to suck up our pride {because often we mistake pride for strength…goodness knows I did} and create peace. I’m telling you, on the other end of all this, take the stance of humility.  Take the stance of unconditional love and grace.  You will eternally impact not only your life, but the kingdom of God.

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3 thoughts on “never say never.

  1. Thanks for this post. Really touched me. The lord has been speaking to me about speaking to one of my friends who I currently have avoided just because of some character traits in her that are really bothering me. I want to call myself a pacifist. I hate arguments, heated conversations, confrontations and so on. I do not do well in situations that may or may not lead to a confrontation. So i take the easy way out and just don’t say anything. The person never knows that I am having some feelings towards them and that sort of thing. I act like I would on a regular day. You know everything is fine and all, but those things/feelings are on my mind. Feelings of hurt and betrayal. I just don’t know how to go tell my friend about it. I am praying for God to help with that. I guess with being honest with my friends and just telling them if they’ve offended me and stop acting like everything is great. Please pray for me as I try to take a step in calling my friend up and speaking to her and truthfully saying whats on my mind. Again thanks for this post. God Bless. Also please check out my blog when you get a chance.

    ~~GVM~~

    • Hi love!
      Thanks so much for reading, I am so humbled that God was able to speak to you through my blog! I tend to have the same personality as you do, avoiding conflict and internalizing hurt that I have experienced from other people. I’ve learned that my own insecurity of not wanting to “confront” others about my feelings or hurt is not at all healthy and in fact, does not display a Godly character. For awhile I led myself to believe that I was doing the “Christian thing” by keeping my thoughts to myself and avoiding conflict and arguments, when in reality, those unsaid words were literally burning a hole in my heart and were poisoning my thoughts! I have been in a long learning process of being able to talk peacefully about my emotions, not seeking an argument or to say words that would hurt those who hurt me, but speaking in a way that I can speak what I feel and then seek to make peace. I have seen how a heart that truly desires God’s character strives for peace and love whenever and where ever peace and love can be achieved.

      I will pray for you as you discern what God has called you to do with your relationship with your friend. While a relationship may not be able to be restored, you can take actions that will restore wholeness to your heart and mind and will release bitterness, hurt and anger that is present within you.

      Also, I would love to read your blog! What is the website?
      Have a wonderful weekend! And Happy New Year to you!!

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